Recent events have me thinking a lot about the future. The things I can control...the things I can't. Since I was a little girl I have always put more focus into the things I can't control. The things that change your life and most often everyone else's lives around you. Sometimes good changes but sometimes downright horrible ones. Loss, suffering, death...I know, it sounds COMPLETELY morbid. Yet I know I am not the only one that worries about these things. I'm not the only one that let's it control my life. I find myself entirely envious of those that can push past it and focus on the more positive things. Perhaps it is just a learned behavior? Perhaps, some are more prone to the negative...
In those more fortunate people that are continuously more positive, having children pushes them to seek better things. For them and their children. Me? It only makes me more fearful. Terrified of making one single mistake that will change their lives. One mistake of mine could completely alter their lives! What a burden! That is one HUGE weight to put on someones shoulders. But at the same time, it means I am a loving, caring and very devoted mother. I CARE. I care about my decisions affecting them. I care about their well-being. I care about the people they are becoming. I care enough to raise honest and respectful children. For them and for society. We do not need anymore rude, offensive people in this world. We need kind, trustworthy, compassionate people. There seems to be very few of those kinds left out there.
Maybe, my worries are no different than everyone else's. The only difference is that some are really good at hiding it. Anybody that knows me knows I am not very good at keeping secrets. Any emotions I have, you will most often see in full color. I guess, it's time for me to learn my very own poker face...

Life can change in a moment. Everything will be amazing and somehow, before you know it, it's gone. This hardened heart of mine is getting worse by the day. My sweet nature has disappeared, my compassion for others is slowly fading and I am someone I do not recognize anymore. I'm hurt, abused, abandoned and completely FED UP with people. All their lies, deceit, manipulative ways...this girl can't take one more minute of it! I have NEVER experienced anything as heartbreaking as this. I planned my life with one person. One person I thought was going to be there for me, love me, take care of me, share moments with me...and he wasn't who I thought he was. He is not even someone I know anymore. I loved him so deeply and I thought I knew him. I was very wrong.
This year was supposed to be amazing in every way. It was the year of hope, new adventures and moments together. It was the year we were supposed to get married...and now I write this as a single mom of 3. New adventures? Yeah. It still will be. The struggle is the adventure now. Hope? Not gonna happen...
Yep...this is the world according to me. So far, it SUCKS.